Happy Trails

       Hi everyone! I am so sorry that I keep apologizing for not posting (ironic, I know), but I have come to a decision.  Instead of a scattering of apologies for the next few months I am going to be straight up with you.  I am seriously overwhelmed and busy.  I absolutely LOVE blogging and sharing my life and reflections with all of you, and I seriously love that you read this! I appreciate every single page view!  That is why I don't want to string you along, I will be taking a break from the blog for a few months.

       I know that a few months sounds like an eternity but I promise it will fly by! I hope that all of you reading this will return in January so we can catch up and come together, hopefully a little bit holier than we are today.  So, happy trails until we meet again!

Keeping Up Appearances

       Hi everyone! I am so sorry that I haven’t been posting, I have been having some serious technical difficulties which have hopefully been worked out.  Not to worry, I’m back! 

       This semester I am taking a management class and a lot of our assignments are “Self Assessments”.  Pretty much taking surveys and quizzes about ourselves and taking a deeper look into “who we are”. I absolutely love taking quizzes and surveys about my likes and dislikes so this is pretty much an awesome excuse to do so. 

picture via CSM

       All of these exercises have actually gotten me thinking about the “real” me versus the me I portray in front of other people (good job professor, your plan worked).  What I have realized is that even in relationships where I feel secure I still act a certain way.  I hold some things back in order to live up to expectations or to spare feelings.  I am afraid to rock the boat in a relationship that is working, I want to avoid conflict.

       What really upset me was that I realized I do this with God too.  When I go into prayer I try to do and say what I am “supposed” to.  I want God to see that I am trying.  I want him to see a girl who is working hard and doing her best for him (even if I could do better), I want him to see someone holy. The problem is that I am not so holy as I want to seem, and I am afraid to open up even with God because I don’t want to look like a failure (my fear of failure keeps coming up in my recent reflections). 

       But God knows, he knows that I am a hot-mess who is so far from perfect.  Why am I still holding back? If I can’t be myself with God where can I be myself?  Nowhere.  The only way to truly become the “real” me is to allow God to shape me.  In order to do that I have to go to him, fall on my knees, open my heart, ugly cry, and let his love envelope me.  Without this vulnerability I will never become who I really am.  What a waste it would be to live life as an imitation of my true self. 

         Are you going to try and let God see the hot-mess that you are on the inside?  Comments? Questions? Suggestions? Drop me a line in the comments below!

Are you truly open with God? Do you allow yourself to be your “real” you in front of him? or do you try to appear holy in prayer?

Asking Too Little

“ And He said to them, “suppose one of you has a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend lend me three loaves of bread; for a friend of mine has arrived, and I have nothing to set before him.’ And he answers from within, ‘Do not bother me, the door has already been locked, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot get up and give you anything.’  I tell you even though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, at least because of his persistence he will get up and give him whatever he needs.  So I say to you, Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you.”- Luke 11:5-9

picture via Our Journey With God 

       These are some of the verses that Mary and I meditated on today in discipleship.  Mary is teaching me different ways to pray with the scripture in order to strengthen my prayer life. She asked me to listen to her read this passage a few times, to listen for words that stuck out to me, and then pray about why they did and what I should do about it. 

       Today, what really stuck out to me was the word ask.  I realized that each time she read through that passage I just kept hearing the word ask.  So, what do I think it means?  Well, let me tell you.  It means I should ask.

       I know what you are thinking, “REALLY?”  Yes, really.  When I was meditating on these verses I realized that most of the time I don’t ask God for what I really need.  When I do ask God for things, I ask for things.  God is not Santa Clause. So often when I pray to ask something of God, I only ask him for superficial things I want; I skip over the real, deep, heavy, pressing issues that I need help with.

       That really bothered me.  I knew that I didn't want to treat prayer like a wish list, I wanted to treat it like a real relationship (what it is meant to be).  So, why?  Why did I always skip the stuff that I really needed to ask for?  I think I figured that one out too. 

Reason #1

       If I ask for God to help me with a problem, I have to admit I have a problem.

     

       Have you ever noticed how much we all love to pretend that we are perfect?  Like we have it all together?  Well, we aren't and we don’t.  It can be really challenging to admit even to yourself that you have deep problems that need help.  But, that is what God wants us to do, he wants us to ask.

Reason #2

       I think I can fix it on my own.

       No, I can’t.  Here is the deal, we are broken people that make big messes in our lives.  Why, then, do we think that we can clean up the big messes in our lives?  Why can’t we see that our trying to “do it ourselves” is what brings about the problems we face in the first place.  Lean on God, ask for his help. (He really does want to help us)

Reason #3

       God knows everything, he knows what I need help with, I don’t have to ask. 

       Yes, God does know our struggles but he doesn't want to force his way into our lives.  He wants us to have a relationship with him.  He wants us to invite him to be a part of our lives and to help us.  He wants us to acknowledge to Him and to ourselves that we need His help.  He wants us to ask. 

       I have decided that I need to become more vulnerable with God.  I need to truly open up my heart to him (all of it).  I need to invite Him to come and take over this mess I have made.  I need to admit I can’t go on without his help.  He will help me, and all I have to do is ask.  

       What stands out to you in that passage? Have you noticed I am really feeling the italics today?  What do you need to ask God for in your life?  Do you hold back the way I do?  For the same reasons, or different reasons?  Comments? Questions? Suggestions?  Drop me a line in the comments below! 

Thanks for Nothing

       Today marks the halfway point in my 54 day novena!  I am so excited to switch the tone of my prayer from desirous to thankful.  The three intentions I have been praying for have not exactly been “answered” but I am still thankful because I know that they have all been heard and will be answered in God’s proper timing.

picture via Performance I Create

       What I really want to embrace, and to share, is the idea that we should be thankful all of the time.  I know that when things go our way it is easy to thank God but things don’t always go the way we want.  We need to recognize that God is working in our lives at all times and is hearing all of our prayers.  We should be thankful just for being heard.

       It is hard to feel like singing a prayer of thanksgiving when your life seems to be going rotten.  I know that for me, the only thing that has gotten me through my worst days is the knowledge of Christ’s presence in my life.  I have the peace of knowing that no matter how messed up things in my life may seem, Jesus is with me.  Not to mention that Jesus died on the cross for me so I really can’t be that upset that I have a busy schedule full of stuff I don’t want to do (Jesus didn't want to die on the cross, but he did). 

       I challenge each of us to thank God every day (even the crappy ones). 

       Do you thank God in your struggles?  Have any of you prayed a novena recently?  Comments? Questions? Suggestions?  Anything you want me to write about?  Drop me a line in the comments below!  

Curveballs

       Have you ever had a day that was just one curve ball after another?  Well, for me that was today.  My absolute favorite part of the day was that I really enjoyed it.  I feel like God was teaching me a huge lesson.

picture via Shaman in the City

       As I told you on Tuesday I have been in a funk recently.  After discussing this with my discipler and some subsequent self-examination I have realized that a major reason for my anxiety is my lack of a life-plan.  When I was in high school I had my life all planned out: Go to college, meet my husband freshman year Fall semester, start dating him Spring semester, get engaged right after graduation, get married a year after that, get pregnant a year after that, live happily ever after.  Needless to say, that ain’t happening.  After realizing that I had no backup plan I began to freak the flip out.  It is scary to have no idea what is going to happen! 

       Well, today started off with car troubles, a detour, and missing class.  I then picked up my best friend Holly from her class,  half an hour later I locked the keys in her car (sorry!), and we waited outside in the scorching heat for about an hour for the locksmith to come (Holly even longer, because I had to go to work), the locksmith then proceeded to rip us off.  At work I was slapped by a 4 year old and Applebee’s Karaoke doesn’t start for another 3 weeks so my evening plans were cancelled.  Obviously, none of these things were in my plan for the day.

       If it were last week I would stop there when describing my day.  However, this week I have opened my eyes to all the great things that happened today.  After realizing that I wasn’t going to make it to class I decided to go to St. Mark’s Adoration Chapel.  Not only did I get to go to Adoration but I got to practice my driving (my least favorite activity).  At work (I work in a preschool classroom) even though a little boy slapped me a little girl came up to me, hugged my legs, and said, “I really like you.”  Also, Mandisa tweeted me, yeah that happened in real life. 

       What I learned from today is that yeah, things don’t go as we plan.  Sometimes things go horribly wrong but God brings beauty from disaster.  I think that God used this roller coaster of a day to show me that the unexpected is ok, and can honestly be fun.  I just need to trust God and go with the flow a little bit. (I know, I know, easier said than done)

       What plans have you had that just didn't work out?  Do you think that God has a plan for your life?  What have you learned from the curve balls in your life?  Comments? Questions?  Suggestions?  Drop me a line in the comments below! 

Road Back to Reality

       For the last few weeks (since I moved back to school) I have been in kind of a funk, but deeper.  I have just been feeling lost.  I wasn't happy and I felt like there was no purpose in my coming back to UMD.  Luckily, I have Jesus and an awesome discipler (Mary) to bring me back to reality.

picture via Illuminations

       Today I was on my way to discipleship (a weekly meeting with Mary) and I just knew that she would pick up on my mood, and I did NOT want to talk about it.  Of course, she did have me talk about it and knew that what I needed was Jesus (duh).  So we went through an Ignatius prayer in which you imagine yourself in a bible passage, you place yourself there in your mind (it’s really cool).  We read Luke 24:13-35, the story of the men on the road to Emmaus. 

       After the death and resurrection of Jesus, two men were walking on the road to Emmaus.  Jesus appeared and joined them on their journey.  He walked with the men, allowed them to pour themselves out to Him, share their grief and confusion over the death of Jesus of Nazareth, and He explained the scriptures to them so that they could understand what had happened.  When the men reached their destination they asked Jesus to stay with them and He did.  It was at the breaking of the bread that the men recognized Jesus and as soon as they did He vanished from their sight.

       What stuck out to me today, and helped to lift me from my funk was how seemingly obvious it is to us that the man was Jesus, but the people He walked with didn't know it.  I know that this kinda sounds like it would depress me more, I mean these guys didn't know that their Savior was with them, they are oblivious to the glory going on right within their own lives.  However, that is exactly the part that gives me hope.  Even though I have been in this funk and feeling lost and aimless Jesus is walking right next to me.  He is there every step of the way allowing me to pour myself out to Him, express my worries, and He is teaching me.  He is doing all of this without me even noticing that it is Him.  Then, I come before the Eucharist.

       It is in the Eucharist that I am reminded of God’s true love for me, His unending presence in my life.  When I receive Communion or sit before the LORD in adoration I know that Jesus is there with me, in the breaking of the bread.

      This story reminded me of a few things I always need to remember, but often slip my mind.

1)Jesus is always with me

2)Jesus will stay with me if I ask

 3)Jesus will listen to me and teach me

4)Jesus is truly present in the Eucharist

5)I am often oblivious to the glory taking place in my own life . 

       So, yes, my funk is lifting because I know that whether I see it or not glorious things are happening on my journey and eventually I will be able to recognize them.  That gives me hope.

    

       Have you ever been in a deep funk?  Have you felt like what you were doing with your life was pointless?  Have you ever used Ignatius prayer before? What do you think of this story?  Comments? Questions?  Suggestions?  Drop me a line in the comments below!

Stop, Drop, and Roll

       In today’s Gospel reading Jesus calls Simon Peter, James, and John to drop what they are doing and follow him.  I mean, I know I have heard that story a million times but I always took for granted that they actually did follow him.  Isn't it scary to think that they could have said no?  How would the Church be different if those men weren't Jesus’ disciples?

picture via cheezburger

      I realized that these men could have been like, “no way, that dude is crazy” and just go on about their day.  Simon, James, and John just stopped, dropped what they were doing, and rolled with it. I started thinking about what I would have done if Jesus asked me to come and follow him.  I unfortunately came to the conclusion that in all likelihood I would have said, “no way, that dude is crazy.”  How scary is that? 

       I am so grateful that the LORD has placed me in this time and place.  We are so fortunate to be able to look back to the cross.  These men who left their jobs and families to follow Jesus, had just met him.  They didn't know all the wonderful things he would do, they didn't know anything about him.  Can you imagine the amount of faith that they had to display? 

       The next thing in my train of thought was, how do I strengthen my faith?  What can I do?  Well, I am sorry to sound like a broken record but I need to pray.  I need to strengthen my spiritual core.  Jesus is asking all of us right now to drop everything and follow him.  In the same way that the Church would have been completely changed if the apostles said no, the Church will be completely changed if I say no.  God has made all of us with a purpose for him and if we don’t follow him we are doing harm to the Church. I hope that I can

stop, drop, and roll just like the apostles.

       What did you think about today’s Gospel?  Would you have dropped everything to follow Jesus?  Comments? Questions? Suggestions?  Drop me a line in the comments below!