Hi everyone! I am so sorry that I haven’t been posting, I
have been having some serious technical difficulties which have hopefully been
worked out. Not to worry, I’m back!
This semester I am taking a management class and a lot of
our assignments are “Self Assessments”.
Pretty much taking surveys and quizzes about ourselves and taking a
deeper look into “who we are”. I absolutely love taking quizzes and surveys
about my likes and dislikes so this is pretty much an awesome excuse to do
so.
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| picture via CSM |
All of these exercises have actually gotten me thinking
about the “real” me versus the me I portray in front of other people (good job
professor, your plan worked). What I
have realized is that even in relationships where I feel secure I still act a
certain way. I hold some things back in
order to live up to expectations or to spare feelings. I am afraid to rock the boat in a
relationship that is working, I want to avoid conflict.
What really upset me was that I realized I do this with God
too. When I go into prayer I try to do
and say what I am “supposed” to. I want
God to see that I am trying. I want him
to see a girl who is working hard and doing her best for him (even if I could
do better), I want him to see someone holy. The problem is that I am not so holy
as I want to seem, and I am afraid to open up even with God because I don’t
want to look like a failure (my fear of failure keeps coming up in my recent
reflections).
But God knows, he knows that I am a hot-mess who is so far
from perfect. Why am I still holding
back? If I can’t be myself with God where can I be myself? Nowhere.
The only way to truly become the “real” me is to allow God to shape me. In order to do that I have to go to him, fall
on my knees, open my heart, ugly cry, and let his love envelope me. Without this vulnerability I will never
become who I really am. What a waste it
would be to live life as an imitation of my true self.
Are you going to try and let God see the
hot-mess that you are on the inside?
Comments? Questions? Suggestions? Drop me a line in the comments below!
Are you truly open with God? Do you allow yourself to be
your “real” you in front of him? or do you try to appear holy in prayer?
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