Happy Trails

       Hi everyone! I am so sorry that I keep apologizing for not posting (ironic, I know), but I have come to a decision.  Instead of a scattering of apologies for the next few months I am going to be straight up with you.  I am seriously overwhelmed and busy.  I absolutely LOVE blogging and sharing my life and reflections with all of you, and I seriously love that you read this! I appreciate every single page view!  That is why I don't want to string you along, I will be taking a break from the blog for a few months.

       I know that a few months sounds like an eternity but I promise it will fly by! I hope that all of you reading this will return in January so we can catch up and come together, hopefully a little bit holier than we are today.  So, happy trails until we meet again!

Keeping Up Appearances

       Hi everyone! I am so sorry that I haven’t been posting, I have been having some serious technical difficulties which have hopefully been worked out.  Not to worry, I’m back! 

       This semester I am taking a management class and a lot of our assignments are “Self Assessments”.  Pretty much taking surveys and quizzes about ourselves and taking a deeper look into “who we are”. I absolutely love taking quizzes and surveys about my likes and dislikes so this is pretty much an awesome excuse to do so. 

picture via CSM

       All of these exercises have actually gotten me thinking about the “real” me versus the me I portray in front of other people (good job professor, your plan worked).  What I have realized is that even in relationships where I feel secure I still act a certain way.  I hold some things back in order to live up to expectations or to spare feelings.  I am afraid to rock the boat in a relationship that is working, I want to avoid conflict.

       What really upset me was that I realized I do this with God too.  When I go into prayer I try to do and say what I am “supposed” to.  I want God to see that I am trying.  I want him to see a girl who is working hard and doing her best for him (even if I could do better), I want him to see someone holy. The problem is that I am not so holy as I want to seem, and I am afraid to open up even with God because I don’t want to look like a failure (my fear of failure keeps coming up in my recent reflections). 

       But God knows, he knows that I am a hot-mess who is so far from perfect.  Why am I still holding back? If I can’t be myself with God where can I be myself?  Nowhere.  The only way to truly become the “real” me is to allow God to shape me.  In order to do that I have to go to him, fall on my knees, open my heart, ugly cry, and let his love envelope me.  Without this vulnerability I will never become who I really am.  What a waste it would be to live life as an imitation of my true self. 

         Are you going to try and let God see the hot-mess that you are on the inside?  Comments? Questions? Suggestions? Drop me a line in the comments below!

Are you truly open with God? Do you allow yourself to be your “real” you in front of him? or do you try to appear holy in prayer?